I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
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It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.