my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
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Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
the three branches of government
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
We’ve all been there
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.