ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
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I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories