Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
You Might Also Like
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.