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Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
This fish is cracking me up
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….