I needed a laugh this morning.
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My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
I have never related to anyone more.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Me redecorating every room in my mind
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
The point of your 20s
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.