5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
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Lmfaoooooo
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.