There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
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Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Put the is in disheveled
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.