I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
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Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”