its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
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Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
work smarter, not harder
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%