Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
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Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.