i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
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Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Don’t forget to tip your server
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family