Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
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Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…