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[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Pretty much. 🤣
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I love art.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.