In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
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I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Google assistant rules
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.