i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
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[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.