Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
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Guilty! 🤪
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
For the ones in the back.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …