[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
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I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.