*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
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Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.