When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
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A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I’d rather go liquor treating.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs