If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
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Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
*struts into the new year
~ trips
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons