My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
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“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
12653.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him