It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
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“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Get off my horse you stupid moon
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents