I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
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My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Well, that didn’t work.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off