Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
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“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
I have a black belt in leather
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*