6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
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Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
📽️movie date🎞️
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors