Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
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Optional boss fight.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery