No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
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“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”