Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
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I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too