ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
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I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I need to update my racial profile.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH