OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
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A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.