Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?