Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
How to wake up a Beagle
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
How did we not see this back then?
If only.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?