Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
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I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.