[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
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*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.