I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
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I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Worth a try
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.