It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
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If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.