Not today
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I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.