[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
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I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
He just like my cat fr
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed