Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
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It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
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It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
absolute chaos
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.