Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
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My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
i think we should see other cousins
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’