[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
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Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*