soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
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[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I’m about to risk it all
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it