Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
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Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I put the mess in domestic.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer