Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
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Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Nothing.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Jail
Just how popey was the pope today?
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”