I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
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[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.