I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
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I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
my first day as a raccoon
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking