This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
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I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.