No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
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My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.