The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
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Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would